WISEST OWL OF THE ELECTRONICS RETAILING FOREST
TELLS MORE OF THE NUCLEAR-ANCE SALE
BY BRUCE McCALL
The New Yorker, May 2, 1994
Quarrymaster of the Gypsum Miracle, Kim Il Sung, price-loving peoples everywhere send greetings and link arms in solidarity to unanimously hail your Nuclear-ance Sale, forced by the insolent threats of the scalliwag 110-A.C. voltage camp of international-racketeer energy monopolists and their scapegrace buffoon hirelings, masked as the so-called "U.N. investigating team," to unjustly squelch the Democratic People's Republic of Korea Nuclear-Home-Appliance Front. In the face of this provocation, we wholeheartedly support your recent call for Everything-Must-Go-ism as the only correct path.
A: One must study the right thinking that follows Everything-Must-Go-ism. In this regard, we may say that the Nuclear-ance Sale is a giant price meltdown. Everyone knows this.
Q: Perfect Size 42 Stout, Kim Il Sung, you have warned--and here we have in mind your epochal recent keynote address to the Plenary Session of the First Annual Convention of Wholesale Nuclear-Technology Jobbers in Pyongyang--of a coming "Nuclear Bombshell."
A: We can define the "Nuclear Bombshell" of which you have just spoken. Broiler-toaster-roaster-broaster unit, cooks burgers, dogs, most ferrous metals in one second--now only $22,000,000. We can repeat, Everything-Must-Go-ism means a giant price meltdown. Thus, a nuclear bombshell, as we have said.
Q: Dreamer in color 3-D Cinerama, Kim Il Sung, original Price-Chopper, peoples of the bargain-loving camp are already forming unimaginably long queues!
A: We must remind all low-roader jackals of the deep-discount gang and the hooligan profiteers of fly-by-nightism who include the bait-and-switch tricksters cleverly disguised as so-called mom-and-pop merchants that we will not be undersold. This is inherent in Everything-Must-Go-ism. Deluxe nuclear joy buzzer, puts the power of a bomb in your palm, marked down to $45,000,000.
Q: Master of the One-Armed Zitherists, Kim Il Sung, certain hyena bargain mongers of the Big Discount Chains also dare to claim that they will not be undersold.
A: We must here ask, do they offer the Kim Il Sung Personal Money-Back Guarantee, in writing?
Q: Helmsman of the Progress Pirogue, Kim Il Sung, you have firmly answered a question with an even firmer question!
A: Nonetheless, one must ask, Why did the chicken cross the road?
Q: Guinness Book of Records Catcher of the Largest Hailstone Ever Recorded, Kim Il Sung, all ears are poised.
A: To get to the Nuclear-ance Sale. This is obvious to all right-thinking Everything-Must-Go-ismists. We would only add, Nuclear Men's Shaver in Men's and Ladies' styles makes the skin glow for weeks, no moving parts, was $34,000,000, now just $29,000,000. But act now, as the stooge lackeys of the so-called U.N. Investigating Team may invade and seize our factory any day. Any hour.
Q: Prize-winning Breeder of Champion Giant Marmosets, Kim Il Sung, of the Kim Il Sung Nuclear Hop-up Kit that makes the old jalopy get up and go--is it only one to a customer, as rumor has it?
A: We may say that this is a slanderously mischievous and naughty falsehood planted by the disgraced Crazy Eddie-ist clique to panic the bargain-loving camp. In reference to bargains, it is necessary to mention a free truckload of breakfast cereal guaranteed to stay hot for one thousand years, retail value $22,000,000, with every purchase of an automatic ham smoker, works up to fifty miles from the ham.
Q: He Who Knows When to Hold Them and When to Fold Them, Kim Il Sung, bargain-minded price lovers owe you a deep debt of gratitude.
A: We may add that they can buy now and owe us nothing until next July. But they must vigilantly act now. This is, we can also say, in accordance with the well-known and not wrong principles of Everything-Must-Go-ism. Sorry, no returns.